Why the usual “good job” doesn’t work the way we think
Raising confident, emotionally resilient, and self-sufficient children is one of the main goals of modern parents. We want our kids to feel loved and successful, so we naturally praise them for their achievements: “What a beautiful picture!”, “Great job!”, “You’re amazing!”
But have you ever wondered if this kind of praise actually has the effect we expect? Dr. Becky Kennedy, a well-known clinical psychologist, offers a completely different and deeper approach to encouragement—one that helps children not only feel good but also develop healthy self-esteem.
How does praise affect children?
Praise seems harmless, but in the long run, it can teach children to seek external validation instead of valuing their own efforts. When a child gets used to hearing “good job,” they begin to rely on others’ words to confirm their worth rather than trusting their own judgment.
Dr. Kennedy explains it this way: “When we say ‘good job,’ it ends the conversation. The child hears that everything has already been evaluated, so they don’t need to think about how they got to this result.” This habit shifts their focus to external approval rather than their own sense of accomplishment.
A new approach to praise: questions instead of evaluations
Instead of automatically saying “good job,” try engaging your child in a conversation about what they did. Ask questions that help them reflect on their emotions, efforts, and motivations:
Instead of “What a beautiful picture!” try:
– How did you choose these colors?
– What did you enjoy most about the drawing process?
– How do you feel when you look at your painting?
Instead of “Great job!” try:
– How did you solve this problem?
– What was the most challenging part, and how did you overcome it?
– What are you most proud of in your work?
Instead of “You’re so talented!” try:
– How did you practice to play so well?
– What do you enjoy most about playing this instrument?
– What part of this process was the most exciting for you?
Why does this matter?
When children start analyzing their own work, they learn to recognize their abilities, take pride in their efforts, and see the value in the process rather than just the end result. This builds inner confidence that isn’t dependent on others’ approval—something especially important in today’s world, where social media encourages people to seek constant external validation.
Dr. Kennedy also explains that this approach helps children become more resilient to anxiety and depression. When people learn to evaluate themselves independently, they become less dependent on external opinions and more capable of handling setbacks.
How to apply this in daily life
Start noticing how often you say “good job” or similar phrases. Pay attention to your language and try replacing praise with questions.
Be genuinely interested in the process, not just the result. Ask children about how they arrived at their decisions, what inspired them, and what emotions they experienced.
Create an environment where your child learns to take pride in their own efforts. Remind them that success isn’t just about winning or achieving a perfect result—it’s about the journey, the effort, and overcoming challenges.
Conclusion
Rethinking praise doesn’t mean withdrawing support—it means making it even stronger. This approach helps children feel not just loved but truly valued, regardless of others’ opinions. Start asking questions instead of giving automatic praise, and you’ll see how your child opens up, becomes more confident, and finds joy in their own growth.
Try it today! What questions will you ask your child instead of simply saying “good job”?